Airplanes, Bologna, Hats, Pabst and Lard

Ok...I have landed, am semi-unpacked, in the fleece sweatpants and have a fresh vodka/tonic with just a splash of lime. Elliot Smith is on loud enough to drown out the cat's desire to learn English and I'm finally at the ready.

To talk about terrorism.

The holidays are an interesting time to partake of air travel. I haven't always been so unfortunate as to have to join in the lemming game, having been geographically close to my family at Christmas more often than not. College was an exception. Flying home from New Orleans on December 25th, 2001 was a treat with TSA agents opening every single present in my luggage. But besides the most obvious and ominous causes of aviation delay pique - there is also bad weather, over-booking, unplanned cancellations, screaming babies, etc.

But before the above even applies, we must first grit our teeth, dump our liquids, pull out our laptops, slip off our shoes, dig loose change out of our pockets, remove our children from strollers, walk through the detector, submit to the wand and put it all back together again. Then pay $10 for a dry turkey sandwich that doesn't come with chips.

So it's disappointing to then find out on Christmas Day that some guy still managed to sneak a bomb onto the plane AND set it off.

However - if you were to ask me if we noticed any heightened security on yesterday's journey as a result, I'd have to say no. Unless you count an automated voice chiming in that "the security level is currently RED" over the PA every 10 minutes. Which I do not. I could've gotten through with an elephant-shaped table lamp stuffed down my pants. Our security is an illusion. The sooner that is accepted, the easier you'll sleep on the plane. It would also help if the booze was complimentary.

As to being there and back again...I was/am glad for both. Kentucky is a fascinating place. At the moment, I'm afraid I can only illustrate this with the few pictures taken with my phone:

More horrifying than these two products considered individually is the thought that their proximity indicates a combined intended use.

Just sayin' it like it is.

There are places in Portland that will charge you $4.00 for this. Somebody's getting cheated.

Closest thing I could find to a Derby hat! Best part about it is, I've got a hat on underneath.

All other pictures are on the actual camera so you'll have to wait. I'm glad for it, though, as my face as it appears above seems to have about 7 extra angles.

And if that scarf I'm wearing catches your eye - well just you wait for my next post - when I will explain why you like it so much.

Thank you, Kentucky, for having me. It was an adventure.

Almost home.

Hello friends. I've been neglectful. Sorry.

I'll be back soon, as there are things to say. Yes, that means I've been in Kentucky.

Why I Hate People: Episode 539

People invented this. And it's wrong.

Neuticals.

For when your pet feels like less of a man because you've voluntarily made an appointment to have a professional remove this balls.

There are 9 sizes. You can make your beagle feel like a great dane and give your rottweiler a inferiority complex. Or, if feeling zany, mix and match.

Some testemonials:

"Frodo never knew he lost anything and is just a happier little dog since he's been neutered with Neuticles." Janell Suasser - San Lorenzo, CA

FRODO. The poor dog was neutered before his balls were even taken.

"Baby Snow has all the benefits of being neutered- Neuticles are just a whole lot nicer."
Stephen Samual - Redcliff, KY

...to touch?

"Neuticles were the absolute least I could do."
Glenda Nelson - Spring, TX

Um. What's the most you could do?

The good news is, they're 100% made in the USA. So...jobs. That's nice. And no leakage...a company promise. Guarantees are good.

It's enough to make one think this nation might just be something other than great.

Hey Santa

(image stolen from this blog)

Last weekend, my friends and I put on every red and white thing we owned and joined almost one thousand other "santas" for a pub crawl in N. Portland. Santacon. A tradition that began in San Francisco one particularly dull year, it has become the true beginning to the holiday season for me and everyone else with a heart beat. Ornaments and popcorn tins for sale in drugstores before Halloween and Christmas songs playing in gas stations on November 1st do nothing for my Christmas spirit. They actually just piss me off. Black Friday makes me crazy, but you all know that.

But Santacon...Santacon is brilliant. It's like a love fest without stanky hippies. You can't hate a Santa at Santacon because you, yourself are also Santa. And we all know that self loathing only ever ends in coal - keeping the event downright jolly, and that's not a term that's often apt. You greet with "Hey Santa!". You pass with "Excuse me, Santa!". You cheers with chanting "Ho, ho, hoooooooooooooooo!" You sing at the top of your lungs, dance as much as your suit will allow. And most importantly, you keep yourself warm with the flask of spiced rum in your red purse. It's how one is meant to be keep the yuletide gay.

In fact, I'm fairly certain that if Santacon had existed in 1843, Scrooge as a character could not have been conceived. Instead he would've been the Prince of Figgy Pudding or some junk.

So, if you live in a city with more than 50,000 inhabitants, you probably have a Santacon. I advise you to discover it...and then join it. But wear comfortable shoes.

Some pictorials of the event:

This is what a room looks like when you're dizzy.Duct Tape Santa knows what you want for Christmas...This is me getting interviewed for a show on a channel that I don't totally believe exists.
This is me gettin' down with a very funky vodka/soda. With lime. Not my best angle. Goranas - just shuttup right this second.
There are hoards more, but I know sometimes people are sensitive about their drunken rosy cheeks being put display for the interwebs, so we'll leave it at my worst angle. Tomorrow night the shenanigans begin anew. Tis the season, bitches.

Distracted

I was totally planning on blogging with all sorts of substance tonight...but instead, I've been running through every song on my ipod as though I completely FORGOT that I owned it. By this I mean full-on karaoke with impromptu dance routines. But why. Well, because it's that time of year again, my friends...that time where I try to stuff as many people as possible in about 500 sq. ft. of free space. It's my Christmas Party. Saturday. Third annual. Such commitment. Every year I expect it to be a disaster and every year it's really damn fun except I have to buy a new annual mop and use it while extremely hung over. Like, alot.

So I opened a bottle of wine and started going through my x-mas music remixes and whatever else. Right now I'm rocking out to the Gorillas. Love the Gorillas. The Europeans don't consider them dance music. And by Europeans I mean the Danish. Now on to Grizzly Bear...definitely not dance music. Writing music, surely yes. Uh oh...Justin Timberlake...have to go dance at the cat.

This Week's Stalkerish Shoutout Goes To...

...my beetches up in Wapakoneta, Ohio! That's right...stalkerish shoutouts are BACK!

How timely of me - in this Thanksgiving season - to choose a shout out to a reader in a town most likely named after the Native Americans that were driven out of it. But I'm not here to judge, since I had to copy and paste the city's name as I couldn't even sound it out well enough to spell it.

I've never been to Ohio, but am of the opinion that it is a kind of Promiseland. This is solely based on the fact that Dave Chappelle lives there. If he had a cult, I'd join it. But then I'd try to convince him to move its location to a coastal state because I always need to be able to escape by sea if necessary.

So reader in Wapakoneta - I'll leave it to you to start the foundation of the compound. It will probably need a fence and some huts. You can model it on an Amish community, though I think we should have cars. I enjoy them.

Until the next time (I remember that Google Analytics exists) you lucky bastardos...just keep reading from an actual location and you'll get shoutouted next!

In other news...is it weird that I think this is great? So strangely cuddly.

And there are more.